Overbraining

I don’t know how to say it. I’ve been all brain. But as this Japanese-Brazilian director explains, balance is required between the head and the heart.

I haven’t trusted my heart, is the conclusion.

Or: My life has been so overwhelmed that braining through it efficiently has been the “safest” route (I’ve thought) to continue delivering all the resources that all my dependents require. I have made some VERY large bets. It has taken extreme tapdancing through multiple logic games all the time always, reality-puzzle solving on the fly at all times, to keep all the plates spinning as promised for the good of all these worthy others who might not thrive otherwise, or couldn’t get to social connection otherwise, or wouldn’t have a roof otherwise —

“But who cares for your heart?”

As if the Niagara Falls could fall upwards. That’s…that’s just not how it goes. The energy pours in one direction. End of story.

“Don’t these ‘relationships’ of yours care for your heart? Care for your goals?”

Uh, yes? Yes, of course.

But the one is focused on healing, as they should; the focus is on filling-in deficiencies, and that progress is happening rapidly and well.

The other provides the nutrients, but not the terrycloth. Without which emotional and financial support I’d be dead. Now I have a future.

* * * * *

It all avoids the question. If my personal goals are to lose weight. To dress well. To get into UPenn. To take up bellydancing and drawing; relax into spiritual calligraphy on Sundays. If I miss martial arts which would have displaced all my drinking ever if only I could have afforded a dojo and the medical insurance to cover unavoidable injuries.

If I want to go dancing sometimes. Or out to live music. Or learn to sail.

If I know my perfect life in refined and loving detail, and cry in the mornings because I can’t ever seem to get there.

Better to just unplug my heart.

I never expected anyone to ask why. Or disagree with that choice.

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